PTSD

 Another note jotted down about traumatic memory:

"it can become locked into the body," "trauma lodges in both the body and the mind."

A psychologist specialized in hypnosis, was telling patient about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know this already, right? I do not spend much time thinking about the past. Yet, reading the comment about "roaring" in last post, instantly brought up the memory of me standing in the kitchen frozen in place. Horrified, even.

Did my PTSD start there? Another vague memory resurfaced. I was curled up in the corner of an apartment, scared, repeating over & over again, "don't yell at me." I was alone. A psychotic break? I think it was the next day, I contacted Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Rhode Island for an authorization to see a doctor. Wait, wait, wait. I could not wait. I thought I was going to be locked up in a psych ward. 

My head was in a fog. Can not explain that to people, my brain was filled with white fluffy clouds? I had headaches, blurred vision, jelly legs, heart palpitations, extreme sleepiness, and I forget what else. It is possible I was having change of life symptoms, also. After frustrating retelling of symptoms to triage nurse or rep, getting transferred to BC/BS of Massachusetts, I said: "I feel like Sylvia Plath in The Bell Jar. That got me an authorization to go to emergency room to see a Licensed Clinical Psychiatrist.

The first person I spoke to, hearing, head ache, blurred vision, extreme sleepiness, should have given me an authorization to see a doctor to check for head injury. I may have written about that incident in this blog ~ prelude to homelessness. Of course, I took all the posts down and have yet to read them. (saved to disc and/or USB thingy) 

At the end of that summer I realized when I pushed on bump on my head the fog went away. By that time I had already quit my job due to the nurse. that i thought was the LCP I was authorized to see, diagnose me as Job Stress, call if you need valium. 

At the time I had been in full bloom PTSD psychosis, but it would be many more years to know that. The incident likely caused more PTS!