Attachments

Not sure who wrote "Attachments to persons or things cost us our liberty." Or words to that effect. I decided to keep this sweatshirt, because, well I am attached to it. The sleeves at armholes were ripped, so I sewed them a few weeks back. Not sure how I manage to get bleach on my clothes; guess I clean wearing the sweatshirt and other clothes.

The reason I am attached to it, well, one, it has a zipper,  a hood, roomy enough to layer clothes underneath it, is because the sleeve says: Analyze That. 

I liked the movie. Found the shirt by Shoreline Park. Nasty. Washed it restroom sink, I think, then let it air/sun dry, then washed at laundromat. Do not remember if that was in 2006 or when homeless in 2005, but think it was during my first go round on the streets.

Today I decided I have too much to carry to storage in the morning, so will ditch it and my favorite powder blue pullover sweater with a few holes in it. I routinely sleep in both of them. I considered ditching a light green woolly sweater, same style because it was too bulky, unlike the worn blue one. Or donate it to the Village clothing room.

Ha, ha, I should take a picture of my other pair of shoes that I am ditching in the AM. No wonder I have pain walking, when I looked at the soles of these sneakers. Not sure if you can tell how the heel wore unevenly. I did not think these sneaks were as old as my favorite slip on shoes; I believe I was supposed to have discarded the slip on shoes when I got these and a pair of clodhoppers.

The clodhoppers are too heavy but they are what I am wearing when I leave here tomorrow.

4 x 4 life

My life in a 4 x 4 storage locker. It is also 4' high. This stuff does not reach to top, maybe 1/2 way filled. It is a top locker; I guess meaning it is 4' off the floor, making it a little difficult for me to get stuff in there. I put stuff in bags which had to be done outside of locker. Then box and stuff slid to back.

The plastic bag in front should have room for blankets and laundry. I decided that I am ditching one of my blankets. It is nice and heavy and warm, but an odd size. I fold it in quarters, then it is not quite long enough to cover feet. Does not matter, I scrunch up in a near fetal position anyway.

I was so enthused thinking I was going to have an apartment early April, I was not thinking clearly. Like do I need this or that? Really need the stuff. I remember how everything seems to cost so much. Like brooms, so keeping them. The pot/pan set was cheap, and not very good, but better than replacing them when I do find a place to live.

Yet thinking when I get back from trip east to visit family, I might start ditching stuff. Then be homeless in Long Beach with a place to stow stuff, so I do not need to backpack it around with me all day. Shall see.

I considered getting an all day bus pass; take bus to store stuff, come back to get my back pack, then head downtown to beach until time to go to Greyhound station. The trip backpack is a bit too heavy. Thinking I need to wear the sweatpants I bought to replace well worn ones and store my good jeans in the locker.

Yet, since I did not do as I was going to ~ get another pair of sweats to travel with ~ very lightweight kind ~ I think I best wear the jeans. Do not know what else to leave behind to lighten up that backpack. Carrying my worn sweatshirt, holey sweater and big blanket, plus the Internet connection gear, laptop to storage while wearing the backpack seemed too much for me to be able to do.

Imagine

Imagine, no possessions...

I told my daughter Dawn once, "I guess I sang that song one time too many." Yes, I get attached to things. Sometimes think about stuff I wish I still had. Like a long sweater jacket, I guess they are called; bought at one of those second hand or Goodwill type stores.

I decided not to keep the tray tables and lamp.

Also decided not to keep a piece of carpet. At first I was planning on keeping it, but I have the smaller ones and "rag" type throw rugs for new place. If I get a new place. My main reason for wanting to hold on to that carpet piece was to use to sleep on, put space between me and cold, cold sidewalks. If...

Son-in-law's cousin moved my sofa bed to alley. We joked about it being gone in short while ~ before manager calls city to have them remove it. Guess with Easter no one picked it up. Then when I came home from trip to storage place, took some more trash out, I saw the cushions gone. The cushions got put in dumpster. someone untied it, left string on ground, mattress 1/2 folded in and out of bed and the metal bed frame is gone.

Guess metal was more valuable to scavenger(s) then the sofa bed. Too bad Goodwill could not drive one block to have picked it up. Perhaps someone needy could have used it, if only Goodwill would price stuff cheaper. C'est la vie.

Agoraphobia

Character in novel I did not finish suffered from agoraphobia. For my information it is: a Panic disorder with agoraphobia in which a person has attacks of intense fear and anxiety. There is also a fear of being in places where it is hard to escape, or where help might not be available.

Merriam-Webster defines it as: abnormal fear of being helpless in an embarrassing or inescapable situation that is characterized especially by the avoidance of open or public places.

Any act of avoidance based on fear only entrenches the fear.

Not sure who said that. My mind wanders to 2006, when being on local bus filled me with so much anxiety, I often got off and walked long distances to get back to downtown Long Beach area. It is why I have been avoiding going anywhere far and am now filled with anxiety about ability to take Greyhound bus anywhere.

The Grace Hotel, around corner from where I am now, had a room available. Cheap too ~ $135.00 for a week. Considered taking it, but did not need it on Wednesday, seemed a waste of money paying to live here and there too. Plus it is sure to be roach infested building. Yes, I could get a bucket to empty bladder during my usual middle of sleep wake-ups, but not sure I could deal with shared bathrooms.

Man showed me bathroom; all I saw was the tub; not very clean looking. The room has a bed, that is it, no sheets, not nothing. I have two sheets I am discarding with sofa bed, so that would not be a problem. I liked the large window, but the room was in bad shape. Different splashes of paint, chipped and what looked like might have been an adjoining door, behind bed head.

Could tolerate it, I imagine, peace of mind having somewhere to go on Sunday rather than hop a bus. Thought to go back there yesterday to see if room was still available, but did not. C'est la vie; what will be will be. I used to enjoy taking the Greyhound. Hope I will not panic and want off when I will be stuck waiting for next rest stop or station.

Homeless in Long Beach

Five more days and I will again be homeless in Long Beach.

Had my hopes up way too high, I suppose. Approved for affordable apartment in senior complex; the 3 to 6 month waiting period was reduced to 1 to 6 months. Vacancies now! People ahead of me on list, but whoever gets paper work turned in first gets placed first. All my required papers were promptly turned into the office.

Waiting upon verification from managers. Senior place application required street address for landlord. Owners only provide P.O. Box and no telephone number. I found a street address and phone number which likely was owner's house, not office. Gossip tells me she inherited this building (and other properties she owns?)

Mr. Manager here, well, I believe I gripped about him somewhere on this blog. He has a job; works nights now. Judging by the date rent checks were processed by my bank and when he left rent receipt in mail box, David is not a one-minute manager; takes his sweet time taking care of his paperwork.

Takes all of a minute or two to fill out the verification letter and drop it in mailbox next day. Had a dream last night about speaking to David; asked if he returned it; he said he never got it. (Yeah, right, me dream self thought.)

Last complex also owned by same lady, clueless as to who may be manager there now. There as here, managers changed while I lived in both buildings. Did I add apartment number to application? Doubtful. Do not know or remember them.

Would not it be easier to call landlords for verification? Could not my four years of rent receipts suffice to prove that I actually paid rent on time be okay? I guess, they need to know what type of renter I was. Paid rent on time? Yup. Complained about neighbors violating house rules and regulations? Yup. Clean? Yup, but how would manager know? Security returned at previous address? Yup, minus painting which all CA landlords charge for even though law is they have to paint when tenant moves out. Ditto carpet shampooing.

Would think lessors would be responsible to provide renter a clean carpet upon move-in not charge prior renter to clean it. Anyway...

Greyhound

Greyhound website was experiencing difficulties. At first I thought that was a good thing, else I would have purchased a 21-advance day ticket to get cheapest rate. Thinking I was going to get placed in an apartment in April, that would have been a bad thing. Now that I am once again clueless as to when I will be getting an apartment at that complex, I am getting ready to head out of town via Greyhound ~ paying standard fare, due to last minute purchase.

Checked local motels; rates too high even at the dive places. Grand Prix coming to town meaning lots of tourists booking rooms. The way my body is when I wake in morning, have been dreading stepping on a bus again. Not sure I will handle it. Yet once on bus, can not get off and go home.

Especially now that I will have no home to go home to anymore. Contemplated the streets; know the system,  for showers and such. Doubt body could handle that either. At least I can try to sleep on the bus, be in out of the weather. Cold weather.

Grace Hotel around the corner; listed telephone number goes to fax machine. Need to check it out in the AM. Little hope for that. I tried several times when on the streets. Usually booked solid. Mainly with homeless people. At that time lady told me they check in first of month when they get their checks. Money runs out they leave and come back the next month. So it is hit and miss to get a room.

Good news is I finally found sweat pants with elastic at leg bottoms. Only $10.00 at Levi store next to laundromat. I also finally found a hooded sweatshirt that zippers up the front. $13. something. I sewed large tears at arm holes of sweatshirt I found while living on the streets. Well worn, I would say. Considered wearing it on bus, but really, really shabby, so happy to find a replacement.

Problem is I managed to pack a rain 'jacket'. It was a freebie from Bank of America, I think. Folded nice and compact. Wish I had left it thus; have never used it. Perhaps when I packed it, I was thinking I was not going to be going anywhere and would not need it.

Such problems, as my mother would say.

Pouring Rain

March 25, 2013, 8:57PM:

Speaking of concern over inadvertently packing the plastic hooded rain cape, it sounds like it is pouring rain outside right now. No, it is John's running water. Do not know why the sound is so distracting to me. If it were pouring down rain outside, I would enjoy the sound of nature. Yet my anxiety level is climbing by the second.

A few minutes before the running water became unbearably loud, I was irritated by music. Sounds like it is coming from neighbor Alex's apartment. Annoyed, I got up to check and found it was John's radio. Again. In the kitchen perhaps? I punched the wall, hurting my hand. Sounds trite to get so angry over a minor annoyance, eh.

Night after night after night I have been disturbed by new neighbors music and/or television. I have listened to  them carry on early in the day, complete with loud whatever it is. I like Al Green. Or used to. This was yesterday, think it was "Let's Stay Together" playing. Two or three guys singing along. Horrid voices. Karaoke? Thankfully it was just that one song, then music stopped, voices gone. Someone's birthday too.

Late into the night the TV filters into my apartment. 11-12 PM loud conversations. Not complaining about these new people, though. Why bother. So that it seems trite to go off the wall just now.

Except shortly before John's music started, he was talking to someone. Sounded like he was out back, but then I heard him as he walked past my apartment heading back to his own. Music or TV was playing too loud at that time.

I opened the front door, turning on fan, when a person says, "Miss." Huh, who is he? Okay, he gives me the sales spiel, budget cuts, college education, wanting this since he was 14, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, so what the eff are you selling? Orange County Register newspaper subscription. Tell him I am moving on  the 31st.

No problem (overcome those objections why don't cha) can change address. Aargh. DO NOT HAVE AN ADDRESS, HOMELESS, NO MONEY. I was tempted to slam door in his face. So busy selling, his canned speech, not hearing a word I am saying. NO.

Then he asks for a small donation, even a dollar or two. I said, "I can give you my pennies, that..." before I finished he turned his back to me and started knocking on neighbor's door across from me even though no lights are on. Sigh. There is likely a dollar or two of pennies that I dump in donation box when I go to Rite Aid.

Those donations supposedly go to feed people, homeless people maybe. Laws prohibit homeless people from standing outside businesses to panhandle. Yet those donation box people are there day after day, week after week. It gets embarrassing. I do not have much share change anymore. I would see them at Rite Aid, then go to now closed Albertson's and there was another one from same outfit. Not sure who they are; ladies dress like nurses.

Then you go in the store and the cashier asks for a dollar for whatever. Feel cheap saying "No, not today." Truly, I would rather deal with a homeless panhandler. If I give them a quarter or two, they are grateful and I know the little bit of money is actually helping someone not going to cover administrative costs.

Whatever. I am feeling calmer now. Thanks for listening.