Rifle

 All I wanted to do was go home after work and get to bed. All he wanted was to start yet another never ending battle. The kind when he would push, push, push until I exploded, where upon, he would go to sleep, leaving me fuming, unable to sleep at all. I said, "I am not doing this." Oops, that was a different memory. 

That time was similar, just got home from work when he started his shit, and I went to go upstairs he punched me in my back. That was the first time I became afraid of him. I should have always been afraid. Ever since the time he sat on me punching and choking. 

This time I just left, went back to my job ~ the second one I worked that day ~ he was out on disability? ~ do not remember ~ walked to the corner, crossed the street, boss still in the ice cream parlour ~ asked him to call the police.

When the part time cop/part time substitute school teacher arrived, the ex stood outside the door pointing his hunting rifle at us. The officer asked what I wanted him to do; if he advanced on my husband to try to disarm him, he might have to shoot him. I do not know his exact words; I was angry, but did not the cop to get shot, so agreed to leave and stay at a friend's for the night. 

The next day was worse.

The thing is, for several days I kept visualizing those moments in time, gun pointed at the cop and me. Then I read the quote about traumatic memory getting locked in the body & mind. It was always there. Did something I read unlock the memory? I do not recall any reminders of the event that would bring back the trauma.

At the time I can not say it was traumatic stress. I was just livid. How can that drug using drunk get to stay in our apartment with our children and I have to leave! Anger over unfairness is a wasted emotion I have read. How could I not be angry? I am getting angry now remembering it.

Maybe that is why I do not think about the past much. Too much anger and ugliness.