Friday, March 29, 2013


Character in novel I did not finish suffered from agoraphobia. For my information it is: a Panic disorder with agoraphobia in which a person has attacks of intense fear and anxiety. There is also a fear of being in places where it is hard to escape, or where help might not be available.

Merriam-Webster defines it as: abnormal fear of being helpless in an embarrassing or inescapable situation that is characterized especially by the avoidance of open or public places.

Any act of avoidance based on fear only entrenches the fear.

Not sure who said that. My mind wanders to 2006, when being on local bus filled me with so much anxiety, I often got off and walked long distances to get back to downtown Long Beach area. It is why I have been avoiding going anywhere far and am now filled with anxiety about ability to take Greyhound bus anywhere.

The Grace Hotel, around corner from where I am now, had a room available. Cheap too ~ $135.00 for a week. Considered taking it, but did not need it on Wednesday, seemed a waste of money paying to live here and there too. Plus it is sure to be roach infested building. Yes, I could get a bucket to empty bladder during my usual middle of sleep wake-ups, but not sure I could deal with shared bathrooms.

Man showed me bathroom; all I saw was the tub; not very clean looking. The room has a bed, that is it, no sheets, not nothing. I have two sheets I am discarding with sofa bed, so that would not be a problem. I liked the large window, but the room was in bad shape. Different splashes of paint, chipped and what looked like might have been an adjoining door, behind bed head.

Could tolerate it, I imagine, peace of mind having somewhere to go on Sunday rather than hop a bus. Thought to go back there yesterday to see if room was still available, but did not. C'est la vie; what will be will be. I used to enjoy taking the Greyhound. Hope I will not panic and want off when I will be stuck waiting for next rest stop or station.

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