Was thinking this morning, if I had one wish it would be that I could be happy again; content. Like I felt in October 2001. Or maybe that was August 2001. Getting two different phone calls mixed up there.
My Facebook friend was a nurse. She often reminded me of an older sister who would rattle off medical terms as if I had a clue as to what she was saying. D's friend posted the news about D on D's wall. When I see no posts from D in a few days I visit her profile wall to find out the last time she was there.If I had not, I would not have known she was readmitted to the hospital. I often seek info on medical terms that are a like a foreign language to me ~ not that I retain the new knowledge. A whole new world of terms come from mothers with infants. Wanted more knowledge of exactly what friend's new medication, milrinone does, not knowing where that simple act of learning would take me.
As per word I am not attempting to spell, I then clicked on fight or flight at Wikipedia. I know what it is but did not know it is "also called the fight-or-flight-or-freeze response, hyperarousal, or the acute stress response". That is how I describe it, Chris or Doug suddenly cough loudly or Chris's booming voice suddenly starts talking, someone yells "boo", things start rattling due to earthquake and I freeze.
The earthquake thing scared me. How would I react to the big one? Would I be able to act quickly if my body is frozen in place? What if a car is suddenly careening down upon me? I used to think of myself as a person of quick action, able to take instant action in emergency situations, hence the fear. My mind does wander in different directions as I type. It occurs to me now, that my current state is directly related to living on the streets, a constant state of readiness to defend self or take flight. And I would ensure I was prepared to grab my possessions and run in the middle of the night if need be, before drifting off to sleep.
Could my now constant state of anxiety be due to that street living stress?
Wikipedia states: "...the fight response may be manifested in angry, argumentative behavior, and the flight response may be manifested through social withdrawal, substance abuse, and even television viewing". More on that at a later date.