Workin' on the Chain Gang

A nation where poverty is commonplace and homelessness is a reality cannot expect nationalism and self-sacrifice from the majority of its people. ~ Walter Mosley from his book: "Workin' on the Chain Gang: Shaking Off the Dead Hand of History".

Off the streets in mid October 2006 I went on a book reading binge. An always early riser and now an insomnia if I slept at all even earlier riser waking up I would count the hours until I felt safe enough to walk to the corner machine and get a newspaper. I did not know at that time that part of my problems was due to the new neighbor across the hall. It was a Domestic Violence Awareness month celebration that woke me up. "I feel like a Viet Nam Vet with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" I said many times in 2004/2005. The psych doc told me I had a "slight psychosis and vivid imagination". It was that awareness thing held outdoors at the library that helped me. "I was living in a war zone" a speaker said. Gee, I been there/done that one.

Having been totally misdiagnosed in 1998, 2004/2005 caused more PTSD symptoms in 2006 when the new psych doc's decided I was bipolar. I was so terrified of being up all night counting the hours until dawn when I could buy a newspaper, I would check 4 or 5 books from the library at once. I would be at the library every morning when they opened to use the Internet. Often returned a book and checked out another. The psych doc completely missed Obsessive Compulsive.

"Throw them away" she said when I told her about the writing. Much of the writing was to her. I went through a 100 sheet pack of 99 Cent store lined paper. And another. And another. I crumbled the papers throwing them across the room. I pounded my wrists in angry frustration. I decided not to buy anymore paper. I used up every scrape piece of paper I could find, including paper napkins "snitched" from the 7/11 or McDonalds when I got coffee and started writing on envelopes that I had bought to use my stamps for advertising purposes. I decided I would do better to just buy another 99 Cent store pack of lined notebook paper.

I wrote letters of apology and put them to envelopes laid neatly on the table for them to find the morning they found me drowned in my bathtub. My plan was to take everyone of those pills she prescribed and slowly sink my head under the water, ya see. Felt bad for poor Sarah when she showed up at my door expecting to find me dead when I suddenly did not show up for the filing job that day. So many homeless people with mental health issues so little time to help them all.

I probably still have 100 lined notebook paper sheets of copied words from books I read. I threw some of that stuff away. I do no know why I do that. Well, yeah, I loved the words I read or they had some kind of personal meaning at the time I copied them. Can not afford to buy every book I love, but I can re-read the passages if I copy them. Years gone by I likened it to a hobby. November and December 2006 I likened it to being out of control. I lost most everything I owned~still have some of those old copied words~but why do this now, when it is going to be lost tomorrow. At one time I tried to organize them via index cards. Later I lucked out and bought my first computer. 1998 a very bad year.

I started looking at stuff as signs from god. God was telling me via that soon to be gone computer that I was on the wrong path. The reason I gave DG my 96 Musical Games manuscript in 1999. Sigh. What does this have to do with that quote from Walter Mosley? Nothing much. It is where my fingers took me. The tentative game plan is to clean up the computer and sell it. Perhaps that quote belongs on my paid for website for safe keeping. Noticed during my save my sanity book reading binge many books mentioned homelessness or homeless people.

Today I am confused. Post that quote here or on the political blog or forget I ever read it. I had decided to post it with no comment, but I do not know how to get myself to fall asleep tonight or should I say this morning. That quote reminds me of when New Jersey raised the sales tax and the governor said the people needed to learn to bite the bullet. I did not get a raise of pay and I decided at that time that I could stop buying 4 Sunday newspapers to pay for the increase in what I used to pay for toilet paper. Mandatory Health Care with penalty for those who do not buy it? Does Hillary Clinton know that homeless people are citizens too? Gee, the government also makes one pay back General Relief given once a homeless person gets a job.

My mental health issues are not the government's fault. I hate being on the dole. I wonder what happens in September when mandatory National ID's go into effect. How does that affect homeless people? Especially people like the Umbrella Lady that went to jail due to someone new to the area that did not like to see her. To heartless cops throwing away all homeless person's possessions in sweeps, including the very papers they need to prove who they are. Sigh. Still wide awake.