Temper

Strong smell of weed. Minute or so later, rattling screen, followed by knocking, by more rattling, by Doug calling out my name. Wondered if he could see me through cracks in blinds, perhaps just a shadow of self. I was getting ready to go out, was not answering the door. Actions speak louder than words, ya know.

It all started two weeks ago, but looking at calendar not so sure anymore. Engrossed in novel, late evening knock on door, did not startle me so much as, what, unnerve me. Who could it be? Too late for Verizon salesman, besides did not hear any doors or gate open or close. The manager? Surprised and relived that it was Phil. Think he started by asking "You have Internet, right?"

I asked him if he would like to step inside for a minute, did not want him to hear our conversation. Him being Chris. Robert leaving Food Bank will not be sending out e-mails anymore, would I be able to do it. I doubt that Phil even heard me say that I will probably be gone next month, as in moving out. Phil tells me that the reason he came over was to tell me his uncle died.

Since it seemed important for him to tell me that, I made polite small talk, asking questions, interrupted by Doug showing up at my door. Thought it would be rude not to invite Doug inside too. Should have been thinking it rude to Phil to invite Doug in ~ when will I ever learn. Story here, take a while to tell it all.

Have not had a decent night's sleep since that night. John's radio so loud Sunday night,  I had to get up, move my radio in to kitchen, put in cabinet, turn on outlet that has been turned off ever since microwave blew. Woke too early Monday, bleary, woozy. Tried to take a nap. Slept maybe 10 - 15 minutes, something woke me. Thought a sound hallucination. Heard John make some metallic noise in kitchen, think it must have been his noise woke me. Or maybe it was Doug at my screen.

If I opened door to Doug I would have started screaming, so ignored it. Home, much later, LOUD knock at my door. I got up, opened it, Doug standing to the side a bit, goofy smile on his face. I started shouting, What do you want now? How many times are you going to interrupt me, I am busy...

Not sure all that he said, then finally, "I just came over to say hi." Well, gee, when I opened the door why not say that? I did not want to hurt his feelings, thinking upon a nice way to ask him to stop knocking on my door. Not sure how I became his "new best friend", a "party animal he can drink with" when all I did was try to be nice to him because he is depressed, his pancreas cancer, might be dying. He got a medical marijuana license, takes one hit of weed, then is able to eat.

I feed him one night because he showed up just as I began eating. Then I gave him a plate to take home, since he said it tasted great and I was going to ditch it.

I heard voices just before drifting off to sleep, one just my oldest daughter saying, "Mom," the others some evil sounding men. It frightened me, making it hard to fall to sleep, unable to relax. Then I start hearing the metallic like sounds, wishing I had marked down when they started again ~ like after Chris moved back into building or how soon after, cough, cough, COUGH, coughcoughcough.

Smelling the weed, Doug showing up, I am scared. Hallucination because the smell was not generated here in my apartment. Scared because I am quite sure Doug took a hit of it in his apartment and I am somehow connected to his being. How to break that connection...

When people ask me what I think I say, "I try not to."

Did not think that I could have opened the door and simply asked him if he had just taken his Bud hit. Then I would know I am not crazy, just, um, well, connected. Do not want to deal with this again. Never knowing what is real (crazy) and what is product of my vivid imagination and slight psychosis.