Thursday, May 04, 2017

I Language

I never mastered I language.

"It pisses me off when you yell at me?"

"I do not appreciate you yelling at me?"

"It disturbs me when you yell at me?"

"I feel that you need psychiatric help because you keep yelling at me?"

I had finished helping my sister write out thank you cards for expressions of sympathy in our mother's death. Sat there looking at all the left over cards ~ left over from when our father died in 1983 or thereabouts. Only used a couple of the new cards provided by funeral home.

I said something like, "I guess we should keep them. May need them for Joseph soon. Or Larry."

She yelled, "If anyone says Joseph or Larry again I will kill myself." She quickly took that back. Does not want to die before her trip to Italy.

I was stunned into silence; then said, "Yeah, take it back..."

Family tells me my brother, Joseph, looks good. I was in California when he had the gall bladder attack, so can not imagine how much worse he looked then. My siblings and I often talk about "who will be next," because we already lost 2 brothers and sisters.

Brother Larry had to have a heart valve replacement; the valve is leaking; another op on its way.

I live in a senior building and often hear tales, such as the sister of a resident who underwent a heart valve op, then died during the operation. Like Larry, she was the baby of their family. The older sister, needed a heart operation; she declined, fearing she would die on the operation table like her sister Dolly. Rose was the oldest, 93-years-old.

Seems reasonable that I would be concerned about my baby brother.

Joseph was a life long smoker and heavy drinker. Before Larry's heart problem, I would guess either he or I would be the next to go. But when speaking to my neighbors, I mention sister Susan's high blood pressure, Rocco's Type A personality, high cholesterol might also have a heart attack and bye, bye.

My sister (the yeller,) I would say, and God forbid if she goes (high blood pressure) the family would be up the creek without a paddle. Due to Dorothy being the caregiver.

It was just an idle comment, like saying "Drive carefully," when a visitor is leaving. Long time ago, she yelled at me when I said that. "What do you think I am going to be reckless and careless?"

That memory resurfaced when I heard a neighbor tell her son (or son-in-law) to "drive carefully."

After that time sis yelled at me, I started saying, "Have a safe trip." So that the memory of getting yelled at was never buried deep in my psyche.

I struggle to find "I Language" words to clear the air (?) ~ "a word causing pain makes anger come up" and at the moment I have anger with no place to go; a bad place to be.

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