Tweak

Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines is Nic Sheff's memoir. It is a teen book, but I have been wanting to read it every since reading his father's story, Beautiful Boy, about Nic's addictions, recovery, relapses.

Lots of homeless mentions; Nic himself lived on the streets or in his car at various times due to losing everything due to his uncontrollable drug use.

Nic thinks one of the residents at treatment center said: "I felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual that explained life to them, but somehow I'd just missed it. They all seemed to know exactly what they were doing while I didn't have a clue."

I still feel like that at times.

As a child, Nic used to help at a soup kitchen. He remembers feeling sorry for them "men and women wrapped in blankets lying on the hard concrete," but does not know "what conclusions" he drew.

"But one thing was fro sure--I never in my life imagined being one of them.

As a child, seeing men sleeping on sidewalks or subway train grate in NYC, I was not thinking of the possibility that I would become one of them. I do remember in 1994 thinking if I was going to become homeless, I would rather be homeless in a warm climate. Finances, hard luck, not drugs being the reason.

"Spencer has told me to always pray in the affirmative, as though the prayer has already been answered. I should say 'Thank you, God, for helping me be kind and patient.' As opposed to, 'Please God, help me be patient.' Affirmative prayer reinforces that you have already received the guidance, therefore you are able to focus on the solution. Saying that I need help just reinforces the problem--helping me wallow in it."

(Typos, wrote help as helf, twice. Fairly hard to type f when it is a p. Strange.)

Nic does not believe in a God, but Spencer tells him it is just easier to say "God," when talking to his Higher Power.

I think the creative subconscious takes us at our word (or thought, or prayer) and sets about delivering us exactly that. I am not sure how that works; just know that it does. If we keep saying "I am so tired," we stay tired, but if we say, "I am wide awake and energetic," even though we are not, we will become awake and energetic.

Nic was diagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar. That is how I am feeling lately. Not high highs and low lows, just fluctuating between negative and positive due to increased rent. Normally, pre-homeless normal, I would have a new place to go to when giving notice to landlord that I was vacating premises. Keep thinking of an old quote:

I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.