Monday, August 13, 2012

Abusive men

How does that old saying go: if we could kick the person responsible for our problems, we could not sit down for a week. WTH is wrong with me.

I looked up Red Flags pertaining knowing how to spot potential abuser. One is pushy. Or pushing a woman to do what she does not want to do. That would be Doug. I made a mistake when he knocked on my door asking if I wore jewelry. Hate when I say, "not really," yet that is what I said, looking at my wrists. I either wear jewelry or I do not, eh.

Back up: man knocks on door, holding a small pretty, glittery bag with beaded something inside it, asks if I wear jewelry. Mind flashbacks to neighbor on Magnolia knocking on my door countless times trying to sell me something (needed money for food, ho, ho, needs drug money is truth). I have heard neighborhood gossip about Doug blowing his check (disability perhaps) on booze, drugs, then crying the I am broke blues, borrowing money from people. I am not buying. Yet I do have earrings on. In my mind, in those split seconds, I think (I think) I can not truthfully say "No," when neighbor might see the earrings.

Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.

How long did the conversation go on (too long, I said NO, go way now) until I finally accepted the trinket I did not want but would send to the granddaughters some day. Doug's gloom that I was turning down the gift, turned to bright smiles.

At that time I was not thinking:  Red Flags of abusive men. Abusive people actually. Now I am angry at myself for getting sucked into an alcoholic manipulative game.

Worse is that I did not immediately label both Doug and Phil as abusers ~ views females as inferior, has rigid gender role expectations. Phil likes to control. Looking back, at how angry I became when Phil made plans with Darryl to walk me to Food Bank, I wonder why I did not notice he was abusing me. Doug said, "He means well." That made me angry also.

How? It is beyond rude to make plans for a neighbor without their input, knowledge or consent. Then, even as I tell Darryl he does not need to walk me to Food Bank, Phil is telling Darryl to knock at my door at 6AM.  I had already told Phil it was not acceptable and the second conversation (if one can call not being heard a conversation) happened when I was checking my mail box.

If Darryl had knocked on my door, I would have ignored it and not volunteered at Food Bank that day. I went due to e-mail from another Food Bank volunteer begging for people to come, bring their family & friends, because they were going to be short handed. They were not and I regretted going back.

Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.

Oy vey, Phil is a neighbor, not a friend or love interest. An annoying neighbor who does not respect my right to privacy, interrupts me when I am speaking, smiling as he does so. My only intent when waylaid by either of the men is to get back to doing what I was doing before either disturbed me.

Well, of course, I am polite, stop to speak to neighbors when I see them at mailbox or when leaving my apartment. My mind was never thinking: Abuse.

I was also ignoring warning signs when speaking to Jay. Phew, glad I came to my senses.

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