To Do

August 13, 2012: Draft title is "To Do". I know why I skipped over July 13 ~ my middle daughter's birthday. I probably intended to write about the year she was born.

Husband home from jail, insists we move. Think our rent was $100. Since he kept quitting jobs (so he said, maybe he was fired, who knows, not me), I said that if he could not keep up with the rent, moving to a higher rent place would not work.

Okay, that was negative, not showing faith in his ability. I was correct, of course, shooting heroin with his best bud, Frankie was more important than working, buying food, or spending time with wife and baby. I could say more about that apartment in Piscataway New Jersey ~ trials & tribulations ~ my part time job that turned out to be a summer replacement thing, not permanent and so on.

His brother was cheating on wife, bringing new lady to our place. My brother, also fresh out of jail, often spent nights with us ~ his wife's mother refused to let her see him, so they would meet up at our apartment. My sister's fiance broke the engagement when she became pregnant so she was living with us. Husband decided we should get an apartment with brother and wife, and my sister.

That lasted all of 3 months ~ evicted for non-payment of rent. We stayed in efficiency motel rooms for 6 weeks, until his father loaned him the money (never repaid) so that we could get an apartment. That is where we lived when Lori was born and also the apartment where my husband first hit me ~ punched to be exact, then threw me on the floor, sat on me, choking me. That is where my nightmares started. Lucid dreaming, I learned they are called.

Those heart racing dreams plagued me for many years. After they ceased, if I had one, I stopped to see what problem in my life needed solving ~ what was worrying me, causing them to return. 1998 was a bad year for them; had some when I was at Magnolia, and a few here in this apartment also. One quite recently (see Doug, abusive neighbor posts).

I started to tell Lori once about what happened in Milltown. She cut me off, saying, "I knew you would blame me." Huh? So long ago I no longer recall what I was trying to accomplish ~ healing the past, domestic violence, her first year ~ my recurring nightmares. What ever issue I was trying to resolve remained. I vaguely recall trying to explain that I was not blaming her for anything.

She was my Little Miss Sunshine, delighting me with her antics, bringing smiles to my face and laughter.

Three months after Lori was born, I was hospitalized. After 8 days in the hospital, my father finally got me released. The pain I suffered throughout the pregnancy was due to a kidney stone. Anyway, since time has passed, I no longer recall what I may have written on this To Do post if I had done it when thoughts were fresh in my mind.