Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Right love at the wrong time

I think the post title is from a Barry Manilow song. Or whatshisname.  Or a group like the Eagles. I put my heart above my head. Maybe the lyrics are not even from the same song. I am sure I will soon be researching them. The words just popped in my mind.

I was thinking about this the other day. To write here: If you want to know why I became homeless it is because I put my heart above my head. What was I thinking? When people ask me what I think, I say: I try not to. Sigh.

Of course it was more involved than that.

1998: nurse sends me home from hospital, head injury coupled with Post Traumatic Stress disorder symptoms, not diagnosed  by a doctor. Nurse said: Job stress, take 3 days off, call if you need Valium.
All downhill from there.

2001: airplanes fly into tall buildings...

That was the one. Mother wanted me to help her clean her house before she died. Pregnant daughter wanted me to be live-in nanny. Love, family, God. Thought I was doing the right thing, quitting my last ever retirement job to go help. My mother's house was sure clean when I was done with it.

Do not know what shape it is now. Older sister had some time to do some damage before she kicked the bucket. Housekeeping not a priority with younger sister, plus she has her hands full taking care of mom when not at her job.

Did not help that I was not of sound mind when I made that disastrous choice. Voices in the head and alla dat.  Maybe nurses always do that. I will never know if he had allowed me to see a physician how things would have turned out. Actually BCBS of Rhode Island did not authorize me to see a doctor.  I am sure I did not mention the booming voice come from outside my head. Just the headaches, blurred vision, memory loss, extreme sleepiness, head in a fog.

Jeeze, headache and blurred vision was enough, was it not, to think: head injury. Dang. Off track. Again.

Torn between love, wanting to help my family and doing a job I thought might help a stranger. Health insurance; I had my eye on that triage position somewhere down the road. If anyone calls with complaint of headache and blurred vision....

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