Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Panic Attack

Long dream; part I remember was seeing Sarah (Village/Safe Haven case worker) riding a bicycle down a curved hill (likely real life curve on Anaheim Street, leading down to MSC). Talking on cell phone to someone; standing under bridge (Albany Street, New Brunswick, railroad overpass); tell person I see Todd, do not want to talk to him. Person said something like: I would not want to talk to him either after he did that. Todd is standing on corner; someone else nearby, a man. I notice Todd has a cast on one arm, elbow to wrist. The other hand has a much fatter, tho' smaller cast, just around his wrist area; his fingers or hand seem to be a stump.

"What happened?" I ask. He says, "I had no choice but to fight." I see him standing, facing a compact SUV. A menacing man is on driver's side of the vehicle looking over roof, then comes around the front of vehicle, presumably to attack Todd. Seems there were 3 or more men who jumped him, but I do not see the fight.

I say, "Of course you had to fight."

Todd says, "She does not think so. She left me. She is living in China (or Europe, I remember it as China, but saw map of Europe in my mind).

I woke up. Open eyes see my curled fingers, elbow crocked, in front of my face. When I go to move my hand, I can not do it. I wiggle my fingers; they lightly tickle my cheek like a feather. I was lying midway between on my side and on my back. I get my left hand out from under me, grab my right wrist, start shaking numbness out of my hand. The hand was light, rubbery; my entire arm was numb. I pulled my arm straight, still shaking the hand; feel the tingling as blood starts rushing down arm and into hand.

I had a panic attack. WTF! It has been a long time since I woke with my one or both hands curled into balls; numb. Somehow I must have turned over in my sleep, blocking circulation to my arm.  I have a crick in the trapeszius muscle. I guess that is the muscle, that has been bothering me. Panic due to wondering: stroke? Heart attack imminent? Blood clot, aneurysm? It was 4:40am when I checked clock. Try as I might, eyes heavy with sleep, there was no falling back to sleep for me.

It was also unnerving due to seeing Todd's stump hand seconds before waking to rubbery fingers hovering over my face. Todd was my last Safe Haven case worker, only his name was Shad. I think he reminded me of Mr. Brown's son, Todd; because I often called him Todd or spoke, thought about him thus, even though I knew his name was Shad. Mr. Brown owned Nouveau Art Glass Company in Bangor Pennsylvania where I used to work.

I am vague on what Todd/Shad did; something like told me I did not qualify and could not have any WIC milk and "all that time", I was eligible; why did he lie to me? Real life, Shad, did not do anything like that. I was thinking about Sarah and Shad, which I might explain in a separate post, so not unusual they would show up in a dream.

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