Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Significant impairment

Dr. Mike said I was suffering from a slight psychosis and had a vivid imagination. I joked about that. Slight? I was nuttier than a fruitcake. I wonder what a LCT would have said in 1998; something significant, not slight, in my mind about a loud booming voice, outside the head, coming from corner of room near kitchen ceiling. It stopped me dead in my tracks.

I was most definitely significantly impaired during the summer of 1998. That may have had something to do with the bump on my head. After the summer I noticed when I massaged the bump the fog in my head went away. The nurse who I thought was the LCT said "job stress, take three days off and call if you need Valium".

After a year living on the streets, I went east to stay with my daughter and her husband, trading household chores for meals and a roof over head. Homeless peers kept saying to apply for disability. I did. I was put on temporary disability in California, but lost my GR due to a clerk who said I lied about unemployment. I did not and did not get help from Case worker to resolve issue. That tale was part of this blog before I removed the posts. "Pennsylvania is easy," a homeless peer told me, so off I went.

After Holly, homeless chick, threatened to beat me up, twice in as many weeks, I had enough of street living.

The Social Security case worker asked me which bothered me the most, my physical or mental issues. I said "physical, because, for years, I have been working despite mental issues." Or in my head, I was not impaired by symptoms of PTSD. Exception would be summer of 1998 and for a long time afterwards. Loss of ability to remember things cause panic; lack of sleep, well lack of sleep impairs all kinds of abilities.

"I am a loner. I am anti-social. I do not like people. I like to be alone. I do not like to socialize." All statements I have made about me. I do not feel my social relations were significantly impaired. I still enjoyed family functions and socialized when called upon to do so. I also said about me "I extend the hand of friendship and then quickly snatch it back."

I noticed this recently on Facebook. I will start getting annoyed with friends. Sort of  "Okay, okay, we had our nice chats, now go away you are bothering me." When they mention opening Facebook Chat, I tell them it does not work for me. A true lie. It gave me problems in the past, one of them being game friends wanting to chat. Smile. When they mention talking on the telephone to friends they met at Facebook, I do not offer my phone number or ask for theirs.

One reason is I can not afford to buy minutes for idle chatter with strangers. The second is I hate talking on the telephone. Not 100% true. I love speaking to my son or daughters, and family. I am just not a telephone person. My ex-mother-in-law and exes grandmother used to drive me batty. "How come you never call me?" Well, gee I just spoke to you on the phone yesterday and you visited us two days ago. Its breakfast how the heck do I know what I am going to make for dinner. Inane time wasting phone calls. I would rather be reading a book.

Is that being socially impaired due to aftermath of trauma? Repeated verbal, sometimes physical abuse when married? I do not know.

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