Saturday, April 09, 2011

Choked to death

"Loss of physical integrity" sounds weird. What does it mean exactly. I looked up the word integrity. From The Free Dictionary online:

1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

I guess I always think of integrity as being the first of those, which is why I did not quite get the loss of physical integrity. Loss of wholeness, impaired. Yes a person could be choked to death. Never said "strangling me", just "sitting on my stomach, hands around my neck choking me". How did I get prone on the floor? He must have thrown me down, do not remember.

Being punched does cause pain and could lead to serious injury, even death. Not sure the effect on physical integrity. I do not recall feeling fear, horror I am sure, too busy trying to fend off the attack. Witnessed him kicking my brother in the face. That was another horror; quite upsetting to me. So much so that I left work that day. A friend said she saw me driving by, honking her horn, waving and I did not see her. She said I looked as white as a ghost.

That may not be related to the incident; had a mild bout of hepatitis or yellow jaundice. That also another tale for another day.

Do psychologists diagnose this or just psychiatrists. Perhaps if that nurse in 1998 had let me see the LCT, the PTSD would have been uncovered. Or the psychiatrist back in the 1980s busy on phone discussing a ski trip...

2006: was eagerly awaiting my appointment with a female psychologists. Of course at the time I thought I was seeing a psychiatrist. Maybe the titles were interchangeable in my mind. Fixated in my mind was "...he ripped my blouse off." Too bad she invited Dr. Ahmad to the session...


Long before being attacked by my then husband for the first time I experienced another physical assault. Could it have lead to death or serious injury? Doubtful. Could have lead to rape, however, which would leave body less whole, less complete. Point being I meet the very first criteria for a PTSD diagnose. Did Dr. Mike, Dr. Ahmad, Dr. Mina, Steve, the nurse, the J&J psychiatrist know that? Of course not, why ever would they take the time to dig for the cause of problems, when they can readily slap a diagnosis or label on a patient.

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